and here we go again…

no I am not pregnant

but today… just a few days shy of Khéna being 17 months I got my first PPAF… (Post-partum “Aunt-Flo” for those that are not familiar with the lingo)

With the firt two boys I got my PPAF at about 9 months… when they started to walk and nurse less in the day and started eating solids… With Khéna though, he did not slow in nursing at all when he started milestones… he didn’t have those normal periods where he was more wakeful at night either…

But slowly, he has been nursing less and when I got really crampy and irritable at the begining of the week, I knew that it would not be long…

the bloating could also be a reason that the scale showed so much of a difference as today I am now 5 lbs less then I was when I weighed myself on Wednesday…

Though I do and did enjoy the time that I don’t have to go through the monthly rituals… I do have to say that being able to start charting again and knowing what my body is doing makes things a bit easier for me…

Maybe one day I would like to have another child but I don’t think it is the right time at the moment… I want the boys to grow a bit before…

wanting to go back home…

Though I was born in Montreal, I was raised in BC for critical childhood years of my childhood…

Nelson, BC in the late 70’s/early 80’s was a unique place to live… it is still unique.

My mom and I found a great community there… the friends that we made quickly became our family… when we left it broke my heart and I knew that one day I would return… I want to return…
It has always been in the back of my mind but now it is right there, every day…

I want to go back home, I want to return to the family that we made there when I was young… that is still there… I want to raise my kids there…

It is scary move though and with the lack of support that we have here I am not sure how we would do it… finding a job, selling the house, moving our family of five across the country on limited funds…

I just feel that my life is at a standstill at the moment and that I need to do it…

Well see if it is meant to be…

quiet…

It is freezing outside today and I am cuddled up on the couch and enjoying the little bit of quiet that I have at the moment.

Simon got out his old Star Wars toys from the shed yesterday and the boys stayed up late last night playing and I finished the skirt that I was making and I am now thinking of my next project. A late night for the boys meant that they also woke up later than usual and the moment that they got up they went downstairs to play only stopping for a few minutes to eat… and they are amazingly playing… not fighting and are having fun together….

Khéna just fell asleep and I layed him down in his new “big boy bed” that Simon also got out of the shed yesterday. He is so proud to have his own bed and earlier this morning I helped him climb up onto it and he spend about 30 min there just sitting up, laying down, playing with a stuffed puppy and looking at a book…

Last night I layed him down in his bed and he slept there for a few hours before waking up and spending the rest of the night cuddled in our bed…

so at the moment, I am drinking tea, incense is burning, the house is quiet with just slight noises of the boys playing together and I just feel really content at the moment…

What a great feeling…

Last night… I treated myself to an hour of luxury… a full body massage.

What an amazing feeling…

The massage therapist that I called lives 5 houses away and I kept on thinking about calling whenever I saw her sign on the front of her house. I went after supper so Simon did the evening routine and the boys didn’t really notice that I was gone much… Khéna was sleeping on Simon’s lap when I got back home.

I am very happy that I called there… she is really professional and nice… and the space is so relaxing and calm. We decided together that she would do a mix of therapeutic massage and relaxation…  she released a lot of tension that I had in my back, shoulders and my left arm… and when I got back home and went to bed I slept so well….

It is something that I will definalely try to do again… and soon…

New friend :)

A while back I was given the contact number of a fellow mama of two girls, UPer and future UCer… We talked on the phone a bit and got along great but we didn’t talk for a while after that… then we talked again and we both knew that we just had to get together…

So last week, me and the boys went to her home for the day and it was great!! It felt really good to talk to someone in person that has the same parenting philosophy. Someone who truly respects her kids as individuals and equals. Someone who believes fully in the importance of Breastfeeding, Babywearing, Co-sleeping, Consensual living and living simply and naturally. Of course, she is also a fellow unschooler…

As VP of a group that advocates natural birth in Quebec, and a vocal UP/UCer she was asked to give a presentation on the subject at the “Ecofest” in Montreal. However since she has not yet had her UC, she asked me to help. One of the reasons that I went to her home last week was to talk about what we are going to say and it felt great just sitting there, lounging and talking about the experiences and feeling that brought me to decide on a UP/UC and not only talk about it but have the other person understand completely where I was coming from and agree with it and understand it.

BTW… if you read French check out her blog here about her UP journey…

another milestone…

Another milestone birthday is coming up…

Tomorrow, not only will I be a day older than I am today.. it will also be the day that I turn 30.

Between the feverish dreams that I had last night (being sick in the summer sucks btw…) I layed awake and remembered so many years ago when I used to think to the future when I would be 30… it was so far, so foreign at that time…

Tomorrow, I will be there though…

I can’t say that I am too effected by it really but it is one of those big milestone birthdays… so it does take a bit more time in my thoughts..

I think that I have done well to be where I am by the age of 30. I have 3 beautiful children, I have a great, loving husband, we have a house and the things that we need. Though there are things in my life I would like to change, things I have yet to accomplish… I am only 30 and I still have many years ahead of me.

Realizations…

The last few days I have been having bouts of realizations.

Not too too long ago in my memories, motherhood was so far away.

I didn’t have any children around me, no one that I really knew had kids. Still, most of my friends from pre-mamahood are still childless. Motherhood was often a very foreign idea to me, yet I knew that I wanted it. I knew that I would love it, I knew that it would change my life, I knew that I would stay-at-home with them, I knew that I would raise them the way that I believe children are meant to be raised.

Today, as I sat at my kitchen table, I looked at Simon, my husband, the love of my life, holding my third son. My other two boys were sitting at the table laughing. I realized that I am a mom. Of course I know that I am a mom… but it is that realiation that I get at timeswhen the idea sinks in just a tiny bit more…

Not only am I now a mom… I am a mom of three.

Three wonderful, beautiful, loving, melt-your-heart boys.

For a few seconds I had flashes of the future.

Going on outings, reading together learning through life together.

I will always be their mom.

In their eyes, The food I make will be the best food, my arms will always be open and they will see me as being beautiful.

I truly love Motherhood.

oh well….

Thursday and Friday I convinced Simon to stay home and help… Since I was having Contractions and Xavier was sick I wanted to have his help around the house so that I could relax… It really helped us all having him home for those 4 days (2 days + the weekend)

Because I have been tired and sore I have also been cranky and a bit impatient with the kids in the last few weeks…of course that has reflected on them also… but having Simon home we were two to give attention and when I needed to relax I could go do so… over the four days we saw Xavier mellow out…

Housework was put a bit to the side and Simon spent some good time with the boys… Last week we got our “new to us” couch and chair and we put the old couch down in the playroom… we have a TV down there that wasn’t doing anything since the VCR is broken and we don’t get any channels… and Simon’s Sister and mom had brought their old super Nintendo a while back… so we hooked it up along with our Nintendo 64 so Simon played games and the kids watched and played around him….
Having the couch in the playroom makes it a lot easier for us to go down there now… I had got rid of the rocking chair  that was there in the decluttering phase so for a while there was no place to sit and I just can’t handle the floor for now…

Another thing happened over the weekend also… Simon and I sat down with the boys to draw and together we convinced Xavier to try… Xavier has never wanted to draw or colour, he rather play with the crayons and scribble… a few times I convinced him but it is a battle that I don’t want because I don’t want him to be completely put off by it. His personality makes it so that he gets discouraged easily and if he beleives that he can’t right then do it he won’t try… I think that this was a big factor in him speaking late, not liking to sing and many other things that he just refuses to do until he knows that he can… So when we sat down to draw he just started to scribble… he tried to draw something and then got frustrated… Finally Simon and I convinced him to try… we gave him an idea of a car and he started to draw… he drew a bog blob and then started to draw the wheels… 1 wheel, then 2 and then a 3rd… after that he decided to draw another orb around the 3 wheels and magically it all became a bulldozer… Simon and I encouraged him and gave him more ideas and next came a cabin and driver and then an antenna and chimney with smoke…

When he was done he didn’t want to touch it anymore, scared to mess it up… we put his name and date on it and hung it up on the clothesline that we have in the kitchen that displays past drawings, crafts and pictures for all to see… He was so proud and so were we…

The next day he was sitting at the table, either eating a meal or a snack and told me that us that he really liked his bulldozer… we again took the opportunity to tell him that we did too and that we knew he could draw and he did so so well… it showed in his eyes that he was really proud…
Anyway…. It was great to have Simon home for those four days… weekends are just not enough especially since housework takes over most weekends… We were both hoping that things happened over weekend in terms of the baby coming out so that he didn’t have to return to work… but things didn’t work out that way and he went back to work this morning… I was completely OK with it though (not like I had a choice mind you) but really it all helped me relax and I have a feeling that it will be a bit easier with the boys the next few days and I am looking forward to the baby coming and having Simon home for a few months…

However, I am still a bit worried that things will start happening while he is at work… since it takes him a while to come home if I call him before 3 because they are no express buses before that and the other bus takes longer… so depending when I call him it make take a few hours for him to get home…

Brave?

Some people I have encountered are truly scared of birth. In their eyes, birth is dangerous. For mother and child and needs not only to be attended but managed.

Though I am not shy about my decisions, I have not talked to many people openly about my plans. However, I do not lie either. If someone asks me where I am going to give birth I will say at home, if they go further and ask if/how I got a midwife I will tell them that we don’t… The same questions always come up after that… who is going to check you? Who is going to cut the cord? and then the what if’s come out… Then I get the comment “you are so brave” or something simular… I respond to the questions simply… no one will check me and I would let a doctor of midwife do it either… The cord will be cut after birth by either Simon or I after a the placenta comes out or longer… the What if’s I don’t go into details and just say that I am ready for many situations and will deal with them at home.

The brave comment is what makes me go crazy….

I am not brave to birth at home. What is brave in my opinion is to entrust my body to someone else. I was willing to do that with my last two pregnancies and births and I am not happy with the way that they turned out. Of course I have two gorgeous and healthy boys but the births were long and I felt rushed and threatened. I cried many tears because I felt that I had no control, not control over my body because I knew that I had to let it do its work, but control over my treatment. I wish that I wouldn’t have had so much courage those times to trust these strangers, I wish I would have had the courage to take charge of my own health completely and would have known more when I was pregnant with the boys. Of course, I was raised in a society of fear and was taught that doctors and midwifes were the experts of birth and a woman’s body in pregnancy and that you must surrender your body over to them and trust them. I am glas however, that though I was taught that, I never could believe it… I once went into a small surgery on my toe and was terrified of the needle to freeze my toe… the doctor tried to calm me down by asking me if I trusted him… I said no… he was so struck back at that and asked why I was there… I told him that I couldn’t do it by myself…

Looking back it is not that I am just afraid of needles… I have always been fearful to put my trust in doctors. I feel sick to my stomach at times when my mom speaks about doctors… she seeks them for pills and treatments. She wants blood tests, and scans and every intervention imaginable. She loves being medicated and whenever her body does something different, even though there is a good and clear explanation for it, she seeks a doctor… and when that doctor doesn’t want to give her enough pills or tests she finds another… now she is on hormones, antidepressants, blood thinners, muscle relaxers and an array of other meds…. and of course she self medicates with drugs, alchool and whatever other pills or homeopathic meds that she can get a hold on… she has always put all of her trust in doctors and medication. She doesn’t trust her body at all.

The day that I found out that I was pregnant and called the birthing center and was told that I couldn’t have a midwife I actually felt relieved. I was quite hesitant to call the other birthing center and when I finally did I wanted to hang up… I told the head midwife that if I didn’t get a midwife I would do things alone and though she may or amy nto have though that it was a “threat” it was just the truth and it was actually wishful thinking on my part. I never did call them when the time came that I may have had a place at the birthing Center, but when they called me a little rush of fear came over me…
I feel the need to be informed about birth and the more that I am informed the scarier the idea of having interventions and someone managing the birth becomes frightening. I do believe that there are women that are lucky enough to find a lay midwife that will not do any interventions at all but becomes a friend and a support person during the birth and is able to let the woman have complete control. However, I do not think that there are many midwifes out there that are able to so such a thing. I do think that I have found one however, a midwife that I have not met, that will not be here at all, that I probably will never meet, but has invited us to contact her if we have questions during the birth and for legal stuff after the birth to ease the process to get the birth registered.

The other day I called my grandmother just to say hi and we ended up talking about my plans a bit, my grandmother who had 5 twightlight births (drugged into unconciousness and awoke to a brand new baby that she was not allowed to hold too much) was actually mouch more supportive then I though she would be and started talking to me about the births of her siblings. My great grandmother was an amazing woman and I was very close to her. I knew she breastfed, I knew she birthed at home in her little country farm house. But it was amazing to hear a few details… my grandmother was surprised by the fact that the boys may see the birth and then remembered that she herself had witnessed the births of her siblings. She was surprised that I will be alone at home, but then remembered and shared that in birth a neighbor woman would often only show up near the end or even after the actual birth. I think that she understood a bit more where I am coming from.

Thinking about it all… maybe I am brave. Brave to go against the norm and trust my body and trust nature instead of trusting someone else. Brave to follow in my greatgrandmothers footsteps instead of following in my grandmothers or my mothers. Brave enough to believe that new doesn’t always mean improved.

Many times I have inspiration in unassisted birth stories…

Here are just two of the many that I have read…

Babs & Xan

Amber & Mycelia Violet

2 more pics :)

My friend Gen came over last weekend to spend an afternoon and brought me such a nice present from her trip to Halifax…

Each time I look at it it makes me so happy, it is truly something that I will cherish forever

And speaking of Gen makes me think of Sparky… Sparky is a cat that Gen couldn’t keep when she moved into a new appt with some new roomates… So, Sparky came to live with us for a while and has since became part of the family… he is a great cat for the kids and is so patient and loves to cuddle them even when they get a bit rough… (not mean rough… just rough love ) Anyways… Sparky loves to sleep on the deck next to the pool and on Monday Simon took the chairs away and then cleaned the cushions and put them in the deck rail to dry… Sparky thought that it was just as good a place to lay down…