Archives for My Rants category
Posted on Feb 19th, 09 at
12:34 pm under Alternative Parenting, Humanism, My Rants
19
Feb
Why is Atheism such a threat? Really?
I was “stumbing” and I stumbled upon an article about Ottawa saying that the transportation board is deadlocked in vote or rejected (depending on the article) an Atheist ad that has run in many cities… saying “There’s probably no God. Now stop worrying and enjoy your life.”
…Theresa Milligan argued against the ads, saying that it goes beyond freedom of speech.
“When statements are said that God probably does not exist, this is an implied statement of hatred towards all those who do believe that God exists.”…
Of course… this is not the first time I have heard this argument… but it still mystifies me…
How can saying that you don’t believe in something mean that you hate people that do believe in it? and they are saying “probably”… not even saying that God doesn’t exist… anyway…
By saying this, this Millagan woman is blatantly implying that she hates people that believe in a different god than her… because using her logic, if she doesn’t believe in Krishna or Zoroaster or then she must hate Hindus and Parsis…
The thing is… Atheists don’t deny or hate whatever god… they simply don’t believe that gods exist. Atheist believe that religions and their gods are man made and it is as simple as that… and if religious people have a right to say “God/gods exists” then Atheist have as much a right to say “gods do not exist”… it is a statement of belief and truth on both sides… and neither are meant to be a threat.
When humanist group says “There’s probably no God. Now stop worrying and enjoy your life.”, I really think that they are saying that life should be lived because it is worth living.
As expressed many times on my blog in the past kids don’t learn right and wrong through rewards and punishment… they learn how to manipulate and what not do do to not get punished but don’t learn the real lesson meant to be taught… So taking away religion from ones life is taking away the rewards and punishment in our own lives and we are free to live life in the richest way possible…
Perhaps I should write more about the experiences and myths that I have encountered as an atheist…
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Posted on Nov 1st, 08 at
10:13 pm under My Rants
1
Nov
I really love Halloween… there is just a certain atmosphere about it that I love… and when the weather cooperates and kids don’t have to wear coats over their costumes and it is not raining or snowing it is even greater…
What I hate though… those people who ToT in cars…
The kids hop in and out of the car or minivan (with the side door wide open for easy in and outs) and don’t walk the gaps between houses… the goal is to get more candy without having to walk too much and the parents oblige.. or maybe it is the parents that don’t want to walk either…
in any case I hate seeing it…
As Simon and I were thinking we could probably accept it on rainy and cold Halloween nights… but with a night like last… there was no excuse…
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Imagine living in a household or even a society that wants to control everything you do… what and when you eat, when you sleep and for how long, when and what you read and learn…
I think after a while… I would probably rebel… wouldn’t you?
So why do so many parents want to control their kids in such a way? And don’t they see what the consequences will be later on?
In the last few weeks I have heard once too often about children’s “sleeping problems”… and it has made me think about something that I have wrote before about sleep and CIO and well it brought me to the idea of control…
I think many parents seem to be under the impression that they must be in control… that it is in their best interests to control the way their kids behave, when they sleep, how they eat, what they learn, and just everything they do…
And not only do they believe that… but they also believe that if they do not control those things then it will be a free-for-all because the kids will then have complete control…
Not only does this put an enormous amount of unrealistic pressure on parents… but then when they can’t have that complete control (which is normal) then just makes a them feel more “out of control” and then they seem to start spiralling…
Spiralling into making bad decisions that lead to trying more, punishing more… and consequently being more detached and just making everything worse in the end… because being in control of someone is not showing them to make the right decisions for themselves…it is making decisions for them without learning why… so the more you try to control someone, the less they learn for the themselves… so when they rebel, they do so with a lack of skills…
Children do have a lot to learn, and yes, might act on impulse and might not make the right decisions all the time… but they do not need to be controlled in order to learn, but instead need to be guided…
And if we guide well… then the funny thing is… we are essentially “in control” of the situation…
and honestly… when that happens it is quite a great feeling…
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Posted on Sep 25th, 08 at
8:35 am under My Rants, Unschooling
25
Sep
Yesterday I went to another homeschooling meeting…I was ready for it to be as usual but I wanted to go because it was being held at my good friends house and I wanted to see her and her new baby and the boys wanted to go play with her girls…
It turned out to be just a nice get together which was pretty nice… One of the girls is moving so it was kind of like a mini goodbye party and a little welcome party for the new baby… (who is so cute!!)
I still feel like the oddball there though… besides getting looked at and talked at like I was crazy because my kids went outside in socks without shoes and they might get dirty or wet *gasp* … I got the feeling that some of them pretty much think that we don’t do anything because we don’t sit and “do school”….
because we don’t have a little classroom set up… because we don’t have any curriculum that we follow… because we don’t have a set amount of time for each subject and because I don’t even care that the boys might not be interested in some things yet or that there are things that they might not learn at the expected age…
When we talked at one point about baking bread I also got a comment about how much free time I have because we don’t do anything because I am not “teaching”…
It is really hard for a traditional homeschooler to understand unschooling I guess…
There is a lot of ground between doing school at home and forcing kids to learn on schedule and doing anything at all and ignoring a child’s education.
I spend a lot of my day answering questions, finding information about things I don’t know the answers to myself… there is so much to learn without being forced…and as an aide to my children’s learning I need to have and find the answers until they are ready to be able to find the information on their own…
Not sitting down and doing school curriculum doesn’t mean that we never do anything and learn.Not having to prepare for the next lesson doesn’t mean that I never research and prepare my answers… it might not be as formal but it is a lot of work and time because the questions range so much…
The good things that came out of yesterday though was that I got to spend time with my friend before everyone got there and then for a few hours after they left… I got to cuddle a new little baby… I got to talk with some really nice people though we might not see eye to eye on some/many things… The kids got to play with some friends and outside on their great property..
and another cool thing is that the same person that assumed that we don’t do anything did mention something that she is going to be starting soon with her kids that was overheard by Xavier and peaked his interest…
so we have a little project in midst…
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Posted on Aug 15th, 08 at
8:53 pm under Alternative Parenting, Awareness, My Rants
15
Aug
I have talked before on the blog how the “AP trend” seems to be instilled in the idea that “attachment parenting” is a list of things that you do.
Breastfeeding, co-sleeping, babywearing etc… all things that are on the “Sears List”… all things that are important in a infant and baby’s life…
But the lists that so many people seem to rely on really seem to focus on “Attached” in the almost the physical sense, providing a happy baby and not the emotional.
When you look at it in that light then “Attachment Parenting” and “Gentle Discipline” seem to work pretty well and easy with a baby and even with a young toddler… but when toddler hits that independent stage, babe starts sleeping through the night more, nursing less and wants to walk more than be carried… the physical attachment is harder to maintain and honestly it is normal!
The importance of being attached is not physical, but is emotional and is simply facilitated by the physical in the beginning especially because a baby’s needs are quite physical also.
So what happens later then?
It seems that so many people seem to think that AP just doesn’t work anymore after a certain age… there are no more lists… no more concrete methods or “how-to’s” and that is when the problems set in and then the ideas that work against attachment make their way into the relationship…
The problem that I see is that what seems to be missing is the “why” of wanting to be attached to our children.
I wrote this a while back on the blog when I talked about Attachment and the problem with Time-outs…
Attachment is important in any relationship and not only is it important but is required for a relationship to work well for everyone.
What does Attachment do?
• It arranges a hierarchy
• It renders the other person endearing
• Brings us home
• Creates a compass point
• Activates proximity
• Evokes a desire to be good
So the Attachment actually fixes things in a way that the child who is well attached is inclined to want to please us, do things for us, be with us, loves us, follow us, be good for us etc… They fall into being that “easy child” (most of the time)
Neufeld talks about 6 ways that we attach. These should be all done by the age of six within a good attachment, though it is never too late.
You can see the correlation with ages…. From infant, toddler, pre-schooler etc…
These stages are
• Senses (all of the physical ways that promote attachment)
• Sameness (wanting to do what the other is doing)
• Belonging and Loyalty (The “mine, mine” stage)
• Significance (feeling that we matter)
• Feeling (giving your heart away, falling in love)
• Being Known (wanting the other to KNOW you, telling all, sharing all)
A child then that is truly attached will do whatever they can to please the parent, will be good because they want to be good, they want to be with the parent, they love them, they want to share their secrets….
When you have their hearts, you have access to their minds, they are open to learn.
We learn from those whom are attached to. The teacher that we loved, that made the most impact on us, the one that we learned the most from is the teacher that has won our hearts. We need to be attached in order to teach, we need to be attached in order to learn.
However, this attachment also makes a child emotionally dependant and they are very vulnerable.
This can be seen as negative, but is important as they are not yet ready to be on their own emotionally until they step away by themselves (and not towards a peer, but really on their own two feet)
Attachment therefore, is not only important in the early years, it is important all the time.
So why attachment is so important in children’s lives and how it works is to guide them into adulthood is what the focus should be on.
And not only does Attachment parenting work after the “Dr. Sears” list of ways to be “attached” dwindle but it becomes even more important. Maintaining emotional attachment is hard though… way harder as kids grow and I do understand that at a certain age things change… but giving up on attachment is not the answer and will lead to more problems in the end…
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Posted on Jun 15th, 08 at
11:22 pm under Alternative Parenting, Awareness, My Rants, Unschooling
15
Jun
In many circles, in real life and online, I have come to see that many people seem to believe that Unschooling and child led living go hand in hand when really they can be and are quite separate. It is easy to think however that one equals the other, as it is true that many families that practice a child led learning method such as unschooling do extend the child led ideology to all aspects of life. However, it is not something that all unschoolers believe in and child led living is not at all unique to unschooling.
There are many families that are child led and use public school, as there are many unschoolers that believe that child led learning is the best way to learn but believe that family dynamics are very different.
Personally, child led living is not something that I strive for which seems to surprise many people.
I believe that in a family the parents are the leaders, we are the ones with life experience, we are our children’s guides through the beginning of their lives. We are showing them the way and teaching them the skills to love and thrive. However, it remains important to remember that as parents and guides, we are not dictators, children deserve respect, they have a voice, they have a right be listened to and though they may not have all of the control it is not taken away from them completely either…
Mutual respect, consensual living, unconditional love, non-coercive and gentle parenting are the keys…
I think that there needs to be a balance in a family and the more we are the more we have to work as a team. There are times that some might not be happy, and in those times we do our best to help through the transition and work through those feelings.
If we need to leave from the park and someone is not happy, I will not stay there and wait until they are ready, however, I will also not say that I am leaving and instil the fear of abandonment just to get my point across. There are many ways to talk to kids, to help them with the transition of going… there are some kids that are easier than others and there are some that give you a run for your money and having 3 very different children there are times that you really need to get creative and yes there are sometimes tears… but with those tears there is always support.
The thing is… kids are not always 100% right and they do need guidance… but parents are not always 100% right either and we need to remember that kids often know more about what they need than we give them credit for. As a family there are times that we all have to make sacrifices and there are times that the right thing for one is not always the right thing for the other and it is not always the child that gets their way, but it is also not always the parent… I might want my kids to sleep at a certain time so that I have some time to myself…. but if they are not tired then why should they be forced? However, that time needs to be quiet because there are others that may be sleeping and evenings are quiet time around here…
It is that fine balance that seems to be so hard… guidance but not control… letting go of arbitral expectations and letting kids have their say without making them having total control either…
Really though….
Being a parent is hard and being a child is hard also… so my goal is to make it easiest for all of us and of course we always strive for better.
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Posted on May 28th, 08 at
11:02 am under My Rants
28
May
I was at the pool last night and I happened to get out at about the same time as a mom with a little girl… she couldn’t have been more than 2 1/2… she wanted to sit in the shower area while they were taking a shower and the mom started to get upset telling the little girl to get up and stand at the exact place that the mom wanted her to and to not more from that spot… at one point she mentioned she feared her slipping but didn’t mention it again…
I finished my shower and went to get dressed and could hear her start with the threats…
“If you don’t stay there, you won’t get ice cream…”
and then the little girl cried and then she probably moved again because then the threats got more hurtful…
“If you don’t stay here, you won’t get ice cream, I will get one and you won’t”
and it just kept on getting worse and worse when the spot in the shower became a spot in the changing area…
now the mom is almost screaming “If you stay there, we are not going to get ice cream but we are going to go home and you are going straight to bed and I am going to tell your daddy how bad you were”
I left just after that…
The threats really bother me…
I remember being a kid and having those threats uddered to me…
If my mom would have kept her word I would have never been out in public, had any gifts, watched TV or have eaten anything I liked ever again… did I stop in the moment… maybe… maybe not… did I start again the next time… probably but I don’t think I ever knew why I wasn’t supposed to do something…
The thing is… threats don’t work…
Does that mom really think that her little girl is thinking about not moving, or is questioning why she shouldn’t move or learning not to move… or is she thinking about the ice cream, or getting hurt by her mom’s words or about her dad not being happy with her.
She might stop moving in the moment… and threats often will get short term compliance but in the long run nothing real is learned besides not getting caught and that love is conditional… and at one point threats just won’t work anymore and then punishments just get worse….
The problem though is that when you are raised in an evironment that love is conditional, which most of us were raised in…. punishments, time-outs, rewards etc… then it is so hard to break the cycle… and really so many people don’t even think about it…
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Posted on May 6th, 08 at
9:33 am under My Rants, Unschooling
6
May
Last night I debated on going to the pool or going to the homeschool meeting… I finally decided to do both and just be late at the meeting…
I am really glad I did that because for one, I really wanted to go swimming… and it felt great… and two… I missed the part of the meeting that was them talking about the conference they went to last weekend… when I came in they were just near the end and talking about concentration and how to get kids to concentrate on their work by using a physical stop sign and then having punishments if they need to use the stop sign 3 times…
omg… I was Crawling out of my skin!! and the worse part was that not only was the girl talking about it but she actually made the stop sign and bought the chart that charts the punishment and rewards… She gave the example of giving an assignment and that after doing half or more they ask to do something else so she has been using the stop sign to make them stop and concentrate on doing the rest…
so… I asked… but what if they want to move on after doing half or more because they got the concept and want to go on to the next thing…
she didn’t seem to think that it was a valid reason…
It really annoys me going to these meetings… I like the interaction with a few of the moms, especially 2 of them.. but the other 3 I just have so much trouble getting… they are always in search of the perfect curriculum, working so hard and struggling to get their kids to cooperate and concentrate… while 3 of us are often talking about whatever comes to mind, they are talking about curriculum…
Another thing that came up about the conference was about a writing club and the way they described it it was really cool and is really in line with an unschooling philosophy… letting kids write because they want to, letting them write what they want, not hovering and correcting etc… I said that it sounded really cool and that is what I plan on doing… but then of course the guns went up… it had to be said that it was only a writing club it is just for fun… but in real life learning kids can’t do that all of the time…
umm…. WHY NOT ??!!!
I just don’t get it… I don’t get them…
Why must the love of learning need to squashed by stop signs, punishments, rewards and overbearing parents?
we didn’t schedule another meeting for now… I am glad about it… I am not sure I want to go back….
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