Archives for Awareness category
Posted on Oct 22nd, 08 at
9:14 am under Alternative Parenting, Awareness
22
Oct
I have been reading and rereading a few books lately and I thought that I would share the my list of “must haves”…
I would guess that many of you already know and love these books but if you don’t and you have kids or are around kids you need to read them..
The difference between these books and mainstream parenting books are that these are not all “how to” books… they are not books meant to give quick fixes while putting parents into an “us against them” frame of mind with children. They are not all-in-one manuals and instead all compliment each other. These are books that will change the way that you think about children and how they are and should be raised.
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Imagine living in a household or even a society that wants to control everything you do… what and when you eat, when you sleep and for how long, when and what you read and learn…
I think after a while… I would probably rebel… wouldn’t you?
So why do so many parents want to control their kids in such a way? And don’t they see what the consequences will be later on?
In the last few weeks I have heard once too often about children’s “sleeping problems”… and it has made me think about something that I have wrote before about sleep and CIO and well it brought me to the idea of control…
I think many parents seem to be under the impression that they must be in control… that it is in their best interests to control the way their kids behave, when they sleep, how they eat, what they learn, and just everything they do…
And not only do they believe that… but they also believe that if they do not control those things then it will be a free-for-all because the kids will then have complete control…
Not only does this put an enormous amount of unrealistic pressure on parents… but then when they can’t have that complete control (which is normal) then just makes a them feel more “out of control” and then they seem to start spiralling…
Spiralling into making bad decisions that lead to trying more, punishing more… and consequently being more detached and just making everything worse in the end… because being in control of someone is not showing them to make the right decisions for themselves…it is making decisions for them without learning why… so the more you try to control someone, the less they learn for the themselves… so when they rebel, they do so with a lack of skills…
Children do have a lot to learn, and yes, might act on impulse and might not make the right decisions all the time… but they do not need to be controlled in order to learn, but instead need to be guided…
And if we guide well… then the funny thing is… we are essentially “in control” of the situation…
and honestly… when that happens it is quite a great feeling…
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Posted on Sep 29th, 08 at
2:08 pm under Awareness, just cool!
29
Sep
Through a link on a facebook page I was introduced to this movie…
I have to say that it is Really interesting… It is Free so there is no excuse not to watch it…
Though you may or may not agree with all of it it, because I may not agree with all of it either… it does bring up a lot of questions…
The first part deals with Religion and myths and truths of where so many believes took root. Pretty much all on par except for a few details of what I was taught in my studies… and of course quite interesting in my opinion.
The second part is about 9/11 and the theory about what really happened.
The third is about Financial history of the US, the creation of the Federal reserve and money ties in with historical events and then what is predicted for the future…
Check it out… and discuss!
The official website (you can watch it there by clicking the blue square or download it)
or see it on Google Video
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Posted on Aug 15th, 08 at
8:53 pm under Alternative Parenting, Awareness, My Rants
15
Aug
I have talked before on the blog how the “AP trend” seems to be instilled in the idea that “attachment parenting” is a list of things that you do.
Breastfeeding, co-sleeping, babywearing etc… all things that are on the “Sears List”… all things that are important in a infant and baby’s life…
But the lists that so many people seem to rely on really seem to focus on “Attached” in the almost the physical sense, providing a happy baby and not the emotional.
When you look at it in that light then “Attachment Parenting” and “Gentle Discipline” seem to work pretty well and easy with a baby and even with a young toddler… but when toddler hits that independent stage, babe starts sleeping through the night more, nursing less and wants to walk more than be carried… the physical attachment is harder to maintain and honestly it is normal!
The importance of being attached is not physical, but is emotional and is simply facilitated by the physical in the beginning especially because a baby’s needs are quite physical also.
So what happens later then?
It seems that so many people seem to think that AP just doesn’t work anymore after a certain age… there are no more lists… no more concrete methods or “how-to’s” and that is when the problems set in and then the ideas that work against attachment make their way into the relationship…
The problem that I see is that what seems to be missing is the “why” of wanting to be attached to our children.
I wrote this a while back on the blog when I talked about Attachment and the problem with Time-outs…
Attachment is important in any relationship and not only is it important but is required for a relationship to work well for everyone.
What does Attachment do?
• It arranges a hierarchy
• It renders the other person endearing
• Brings us home
• Creates a compass point
• Activates proximity
• Evokes a desire to be good
So the Attachment actually fixes things in a way that the child who is well attached is inclined to want to please us, do things for us, be with us, loves us, follow us, be good for us etc… They fall into being that “easy child” (most of the time)
Neufeld talks about 6 ways that we attach. These should be all done by the age of six within a good attachment, though it is never too late.
You can see the correlation with ages…. From infant, toddler, pre-schooler etc…
These stages are
• Senses (all of the physical ways that promote attachment)
• Sameness (wanting to do what the other is doing)
• Belonging and Loyalty (The “mine, mine” stage)
• Significance (feeling that we matter)
• Feeling (giving your heart away, falling in love)
• Being Known (wanting the other to KNOW you, telling all, sharing all)
A child then that is truly attached will do whatever they can to please the parent, will be good because they want to be good, they want to be with the parent, they love them, they want to share their secrets….
When you have their hearts, you have access to their minds, they are open to learn.
We learn from those whom are attached to. The teacher that we loved, that made the most impact on us, the one that we learned the most from is the teacher that has won our hearts. We need to be attached in order to teach, we need to be attached in order to learn.
However, this attachment also makes a child emotionally dependant and they are very vulnerable.
This can be seen as negative, but is important as they are not yet ready to be on their own emotionally until they step away by themselves (and not towards a peer, but really on their own two feet)
Attachment therefore, is not only important in the early years, it is important all the time.
So why attachment is so important in children’s lives and how it works is to guide them into adulthood is what the focus should be on.
And not only does Attachment parenting work after the “Dr. Sears” list of ways to be “attached” dwindle but it becomes even more important. Maintaining emotional attachment is hard though… way harder as kids grow and I do understand that at a certain age things change… but giving up on attachment is not the answer and will lead to more problems in the end…
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Posted on Jun 15th, 08 at
11:22 pm under Alternative Parenting, Awareness, My Rants, Unschooling
15
Jun
In many circles, in real life and online, I have come to see that many people seem to believe that Unschooling and child led living go hand in hand when really they can be and are quite separate. It is easy to think however that one equals the other, as it is true that many families that practice a child led learning method such as unschooling do extend the child led ideology to all aspects of life. However, it is not something that all unschoolers believe in and child led living is not at all unique to unschooling.
There are many families that are child led and use public school, as there are many unschoolers that believe that child led learning is the best way to learn but believe that family dynamics are very different.
Personally, child led living is not something that I strive for which seems to surprise many people.
I believe that in a family the parents are the leaders, we are the ones with life experience, we are our children’s guides through the beginning of their lives. We are showing them the way and teaching them the skills to love and thrive. However, it remains important to remember that as parents and guides, we are not dictators, children deserve respect, they have a voice, they have a right be listened to and though they may not have all of the control it is not taken away from them completely either…
Mutual respect, consensual living, unconditional love, non-coercive and gentle parenting are the keys…
I think that there needs to be a balance in a family and the more we are the more we have to work as a team. There are times that some might not be happy, and in those times we do our best to help through the transition and work through those feelings.
If we need to leave from the park and someone is not happy, I will not stay there and wait until they are ready, however, I will also not say that I am leaving and instil the fear of abandonment just to get my point across. There are many ways to talk to kids, to help them with the transition of going… there are some kids that are easier than others and there are some that give you a run for your money and having 3 very different children there are times that you really need to get creative and yes there are sometimes tears… but with those tears there is always support.
The thing is… kids are not always 100% right and they do need guidance… but parents are not always 100% right either and we need to remember that kids often know more about what they need than we give them credit for. As a family there are times that we all have to make sacrifices and there are times that the right thing for one is not always the right thing for the other and it is not always the child that gets their way, but it is also not always the parent… I might want my kids to sleep at a certain time so that I have some time to myself…. but if they are not tired then why should they be forced? However, that time needs to be quiet because there are others that may be sleeping and evenings are quiet time around here…
It is that fine balance that seems to be so hard… guidance but not control… letting go of arbitral expectations and letting kids have their say without making them having total control either…
Really though….
Being a parent is hard and being a child is hard also… so my goal is to make it easiest for all of us and of course we always strive for better.
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Posted on Nov 3rd, 06 at
12:22 pm under Awareness, My Rants, New Beginnings, UP/UC
3
Nov
I am getting so tired of hearing about inductions for no reason other than impatience!!!!
If you look up term pregnancy anywhere you will read that pregnancy comes to term between 38 and 42 weeks… That means that as many babies will come naturally at 38 weeks as they will come at 42 weeks… the median of course is that “due date”… right in the middle… that date that everyone has their eye on… but just like 38 weeks is not pre-term…. 41 or 42 weeks is not overdue… it is NORMAL and HEALTHY!!! Most 1st time moms will go into labour at around 41.5 weeks as the norm… they are not “overdue” they are not “at risk” they do NOT need to be induced, the babies are not more at risk either… women may be tired and impatient at the end but that’s life… there is NO need for inducing!
Docs however, have also seemed to have forgotten what they learned… they seem to see women and babies as Robots, needing to be all the same size, gain the same amount of weight and the same exact gestational period. The minute that 38 week hits they start getting impatient too and for NO good reason…
Most of the women that called me for breastfeeding support all had the same story… their doctor (the same doctor) proposed induction at 38 weeks just because they were “term” at that point and I would have to say that 3/4ths of them ended up to be C/S’s, the others had other complications… not many women that I have talked to have had a complication free delivery and I think I have only talked to 1-2 moms that had a natural birth and went into labour on their own and I have never heard of someone having a pregnancy over 40 weeks at this hospital…
This is really sad and upsetting for me…
Right now I am nearing the end of my pregnancy… actually tomorrow I will be considered to be at officially term as I will be 38 weeks. I am also officially tired of being pregnant, I am sore, I have trouble sleeping, my pelvis feels like it is falling apart and I can’t turn in bed without having tons of pain. If I was a mainstream mom that actually trusted OB’s and wasn’t informed about the risks (or just blindly thought that doctor wouldn’t do anything that had significant risks for no reason) then I would maybe be wanting to be induced… knowing what I know however, what the risks are and trusting my body and what is normal and natural instead of an impatient “care” provider I would never be induced, especially for non-medical reasons such as impatience…
So what are the Risks?
First, induction will not work if your body is not ready to go into labour yet. That means that more meds need to be used and it can lead to failed inductions and stress on the body and baby…. When the meds do work they often produce unnaturally strong contractions… Pretty much every woman that you will talk to that has been induced has not been able to give birth naturally because the contractions are so strong… These strong contractions can also lower the baby’s Heart rate and cause fetal distress because of the lack of oxygen that occurs with the strong contractions. It can also lead to uterine rupture which puts both the mom and the baby’s life at risk…
As I mentioned, induction most often leads to epidurals and other drugs to help with the unnaturally strong contractions. When a woman is drugged the meds also go to the baby, which again can lead to fetal distress. Moreover, when the epidural is given it can stall labour so even more meds are needed. Often however, the labour will be labelled as “failure to progress” and a C/S will be made for no good reason…
Inducing also automatically means that women can not walk around in labour, are confined to the bed, given an IV and are not “allowed” to eat or drink… The position that women are forced to take in the hospital is the worst position to give birth in, not allowing for gravity to help and making the pelvis smaller then in other positions. The baby is less able to go into the right position and descend into the birth canal. Women are often made to push before the body is ready and the baby is in the optimal position just because they are at 10cm and can spend hours pushing the baby out because of this. This can also lead to fetal distress, can lead to fatigue (especially if the woman has been starved for hours), it often leads to more interventions such as the use of the vacuum or Forceps and may also lead to a C/S… There will be many reasons given for these interventions (pelvis too small, baby too big etc… ) mostly it is just the simple result of being in an unnatural birthing position just because it gives the best view to the doctor… because of course the doctors view and comfort is more important than the health and wellbeing of the woman giving birth and the baby coming out…
Another risk to induction (breaking the waters or giving meds) is cord prolapse… is if the baby is not in the optimal position and labour is induced or the waters are broken even in a natural birth just to make things “go faster”, or really for no reason other then the doctor or midwife wanting to intervene, the cord may come out before the babies head (since the mom is most likely laying down with gravity working against her) Cord prolapse is dangerous and makes for an automatic C/S and is often directly caused by the procedure…
It is unlikely to happen naturally… when the waters break before labour starts it is often due from pressure that that head puts on the membranes and the head with gravity works as a plug not letting the cord go by… most often however, the membrane will rupture near the end of labour when the head is engaged and the mom is in active labour making cord prolapse virtually impossible…
Induction, especially artificially breaking the water also rises the risk of infection which can lead to problems with mom and baby later on also…
Induction… not just inducing labour, but other interventions that often go hand in hand with inducing labour put so many lives at risk and too often lead to C-Sections and other problems… (of course C/S also makes the breastfeeding rate decline which puts children and their moms at even higher risk for other medical problems later on in life)
There are so many other things that can go wrong because of the interventions that have taken the place of natural childbirth… many women really don’t know or understand the risks of all of the interventions and instead just put all of their trust in others instead of themselves (something I mentioned in another post)… and if something goes wrong then it is others that are to blame or it isn’t even know that it is a risk and then the doc is the Hero at the end of it without realizing that the doc was also the cause…
Inductions are rising, C/S are rising and labour and birth are just becoming riskier and riskier because of it… moreover the fear of childbirth is rising and the lack of trust in the body and in what is natural is being replaced by it…. that is one of the saddest parts of birth today…
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Posted on Oct 12th, 06 at
8:20 am under Awareness, My Life, New Beginnings, UP/UC
12
Oct
Some people I have encountered are truly scared of birth. In their eyes, birth is dangerous. For mother and child and needs not only to be attended but managed.
Though I am not shy about my decisions, I have not talked to many people openly about my plans. However, I do not lie either. If someone asks me where I am going to give birth I will say at home, if they go further and ask if/how I got a midwife I will tell them that we don’t… The same questions always come up after that… who is going to check you? Who is going to cut the cord? and then the what if’s come out… Then I get the comment “you are so brave” or something similar… I respond to the questions simply… no one will check me and I would let a doctor of midwife do it either… The cord will be cut after birth by either Simon or I after a the placenta comes out or longer… the What if’s I don’t go into details and just say that I am ready for many situations and will deal with them at home.
The brave comment is what makes me go crazy….
I am not brave to birth at home. What is brave in my opinion is to entrust my body to someone else. I was willing to do that with my last two pregnancies and births and I am not happy with the way that they turned out. Of course I have two gorgeous and healthy boys but the births were long and I felt rushed and threatened. I cried many tears because I felt that I had no control, no control over my body because I knew that I had to let it do its work, but control over my treatment. I wish that I wouldn’t have had so much courage those times to trust these strangers, I wish I would have had the courage to take charge of my own health completely and would have known more when I was pregnant with the boys. Of course, I was raised in a society of fear and was taught that doctors and midwifes were the experts of birth and a woman’s body in pregnancy and that you must surrender your body over to them and trust them. I am glad however, that though I was taught that, I never could believe it… I once went into a small surgery on my toe and was terrified of the needle to freeze my toe… the doctor tried to calm me down by asking me if I trusted him… I said no… he was so struck back at that and asked why I was there… I told him that I couldn’t do it by myself…
Looking back it is not that I am just afraid of needles… I have always been fearful to put my trust in doctors. I feel sick to my stomach at times when my mom speaks about doctors… she seeks them for pills and treatments. She wants blood tests, and scans and every intervention imaginable. She loves being medicated and whenever her body does something different, even though there is a good and clear explanation for it, she seeks a doctor… and when that doctor doesn’t want to give her enough pills or tests she finds another… now she is on hormones, antidepressants, blood thinners, muscle relaxers and an array of other meds…. and of course she self medicates with drugs, alcohol and whatever other pills or homoeopathic meds that she can get a hold on… she has always put all of her trust in doctors and medication. She doesn’t trust her body at all.
The day that I found out that I was pregnant and called the birthing centre and was told that I couldn’t have a midwife I actually felt relieved. I was quite hesitant to call the other birthing centre and when I finally did I wanted to hang up… I told the head midwife that if I didn’t get a midwife I would do things alone and though she may or may not have though that it was a “threat” it was just the truth and it was actually wishful thinking on my part. I never did call them when the time came that I may have had a place at the birthing centre, but when they called me a little rush of fear came over me…
I feel the need to be informed about birth and the more that I am informed the scarier the idea of having interventions and someone managing the birth becomes frightening. I do believe that there are women that are lucky enough to find a lay midwife that will not do any interventions at all but becomes a friend and a support person during the birth and is able to let the woman have complete control. However, I do not think that there are many midwifes out there that are able to so such a thing. I do think that I have found one however, a midwife that I have not met, that will not be here at all, that I probably will never meet, but has invited us to contact her if we have questions during the birth and for legal stuff after the birth to ease the process to get the birth registered.
The other day I called my grandmother just to say hi and we ended up talking about my plans a bit, my grandmother who had 5 twilight births (drugged into unconsciousness and awoke to a brand new baby that she was not allowed to hold too much) was actually much more supportive then I though she would be and started talking to me about the births of her siblings. My great grandmother was an amazing woman and I was very close to her. I knew she breastfed, I knew she birthed at home in her little country farm house. But it was amazing to hear a few details… my grandmother was surprised by the fact that the boys may see the birth and then remembered that she herself had witnessed the births of her siblings. She was surprised that I will be alone at home, but then remembered and shared that in birth a neighbour woman would often only show up near the end or even after the actual birth. I think that she understood a bit more where I am coming from.
Thinking about it all… maybe I am brave. Brave to go against the norm and trust my body and trust nature instead of trusting someone else. Brave to follow in my great grandmothers footsteps instead of following in my grandmothers or my mothers. Brave enough to believe that new doesn’t always mean improved.
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Posted on Aug 31st, 06 at
8:50 am under Alternative Parenting, Awareness, just cool!
31
Aug
I am a big Raffi fan… as a child I listened to his music and now the boys love him too and recognize his songs and his voice…
I knew that he was for child rights and was an amazing spokeperson for children and now, I respect him even more…
Look at this… A Covenant for Honouring Children
The words of A Covenant for Honouring Children suggest nine guiding principles for living. Taken together, they offer a holistic way of restoring natural and human communities, thus brightening the outlook for the world we share. They form the basis for a multi-faith consensus on societal renewal.
Respectful Love
is key. It speaks to the need to respect children as whole people and to encourage them to know their own voices. Children need the kind of love that sees them as legitimate beings, persons in their own right. Respectful love instills self-worth; it’s the prime nutrient in human development. Children need this not only from parents and caregivers, but from the whole community.
Diversity
is about abundance: of human dreams, intelligences, cultures, and cosmologies; of earthly splendours and ecosystems. Introducing children to biodiversity and human diversity at an early age builds on their innate curiosity. There’s a world of natural wonders to discover, and a wealth of cultures, of ways to be human. Comforted by how much we share, we’re able to delight in our differences.
Caring Community
refers to the “village†it takes to raise a child. The community can positively affect the lives of its children. Child-friendly shopkeepers, family resource centres, green schoolyards, bicycle lanes, and pesticide-free parks are some of the ways a community can support its young.
Conscious Parenting
can be taught from an early age; it begins with empathy for newborns. Elementary and secondary schools could teach nurturant parenting (neither permissive nor oppressive) and provide insight into the child-rearing process. Such knowledge helps to deter teen pregnancies and unwanted children. Emotionally aware parents are much less likely to perpetuate abuse or neglect.
Emotional Intelligence
sums up what early life is about: a time for exploring emotions in a safe setting, learning about feelings and how to express them. Those who feel loved are most able to learn and to show compassion for others. Emotional management builds character and is more important to later success than IQ. Cooperation, play, and creativity all foster the “EQ†needed for a joyful life.
Nonviolence
is central to emotional maturity, to family relations, to community values, and to the character of societies that aspire to live in peace. It means more than the absence of aggression; it means living with compassion. Regarding children, it means no corporal punishment, no humiliation, no coercion. “First do no harm,†the physicians’ oath, must now apply to all our relations; it can become a mantra for our times. A culture of peace begins in a nonviolent heart, and a loving home.
Safe Environments
foster a child’s feeling of security and belonging. The very young need protection from the toxic influences that permeate modern life-from domestic neglect and maltreatment, to the corporate manipulations of their minds, to the poisonous chemicals entering their bodies. The first years are when children are most impressionable and vulnerable; they need safeguarding.
Sustainability
refers not merely to conservation of resources, renewable energy development, and anti-pollution laws. To be sustainable, societies need to build social capacity by investing in their young citizens, harnessing the productive power of a contented heart. The loving potential of every young child is a potent source for good in the world.
Ethical Commerce
is fundamental to a child-honouring world. It includes a revolution in the design, manufacture and sale of goods; corporate reform; “triple bottom line†business; full-cost accounting; tax and subsidy shifts; political and economic cycles that reward long-term thinking. Ethical commerce would enable a restorative economy devoted to the well being of the very young.
I am going to be following him more closely now and I would love to get my hand on the book and CD for us “Beluga-Grads” 
Resisto Dancing, Songs of a Compassionate Revolution, the musical expression of Raffi’s Child Honouring philosophy…
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