Simon was playing D&D with the boys and the house was quiet…

I called my dad to say Happy Fathers day and talked for a few minutes with him… and while I was on the phone I saw in the corner of my eye, the box with the Doppler in it… I got off the phone and the doppler called to me and begged me just to try. (I assure you, I am still sane)

I told myself, no… it is too early… I remember the midwife saying that you can’t hear the HB before 12-13 weeks especially when you are overweight…

Never mind… I came back upstairs….

It called to me again… it was more insistent… (OK… maybe I am going crazy) but this time I listened…

With the way that I have been feeling, I thought that I could just try… just see… and told myself I wouldn’t be disappointed if I didn’t hear it…

I thought about where I would be able to find the HB if I could hear it..  so I first tried very low and down but I didn’t hear anything… I didn’t want to try too long so I was about to stop but then just decided to try a little higher… then I heard it…

Just then, Simon came down the stairs and I told him that I heard it… I tried to pick it up again for him, and right after  he got to hear it also…

What an amazing sound…  what amazing emotions that go with it… and relief… and the realization that there is actually a little life in me again…

I feel like I can breathe just a little easier…

This pregnancy is a bit weird for me at the moment…

I am finding myself forgetting that I am pregnant instead of my usual habits of looking at pregnancy things everyday… I told my mom last week when I went up to the cabin and I hesitated before I did… but finally decided to and now I regret it a bit… and besides friends I feel no pull into sharing the news with other family….my mom called yesterday and asked how the baby was and I said that he was good and running around… not thinking at all that she was talking about the one growing in me and not Khéna.

With Xavier it was the excitement of having a first, waiting for my midwife appt., doing exams and writing papers and working the x-mas rush at work… With Colin it was the excitement of having a second, going out a lot around Montreal with Xavier, buying a house etc…With Khéna it was choosing to have a UP/UC and soaking up all the info that I could…. This time, it is just life as usual and in someway I think that I am scared to get too attached in case some thing happens.

I also find that these first weeks make it easier to feel the way that I do because there is no movement yet… no heartbeat to be heard… besides aversions and a few cravings I have no symptoms… so  it is still just a waiting game and though it was still the same waiting game with the others, this time it just feels different…

I know that I am overweight, there is no denying that I need to shed a few pounds.

Here is the thing though, as you know, I am 8 weeks pregnant  with my fourth child.

Usually, I am OK with my “fluffiness” but  right now, it just makes me feel really self conscious.

If you have had more than one child, you know that you start showing earlier.

But when you are overweight and pregnant you don’t get that cute little pouch or  the slightly bloated look as other women seem to get… your fat seems to be pushed up into a permanent muffin top that is there whatever you wear, even if you are wearing nothing. I can’t get away from it and whatever I wear can’t hide it…

I just can’t wait to start looking pregnant instead of just fat… the worst of it is that I have even lost about 7 lbs since I found out…

Petty complaint but it feels good to voice it….

One of my main pregnancy symptoms has hit… Aversions…

I have a slight hint of nausea lingering at all times and I am having so many aversions… food that I usually like just don’t appeal to me…

If I make a meal that needs to cook for a while, by the time that it is done cooking I can’t stand to eat it and there are very few things that I really “feel” like eating…

So a few times this week I have made a supper and have not been able to eat it…

Last night I had take out and it felt really good to actually eat a full meal and then was able to eat the rest for lunch…

Why does our body do this to us… we are growing a baby but can’t look at food to even nourish ourselves…

I have been curious about taking another test…

I don’t usually take many tests when I see a positive result but the tests that I took almost two weeks ago were taken a few days before my period was due and were very light… the kind of light enough that you see it in good light but barely, and the tests I took with the boys were like that also (I always test early) but with the loss I was just starting to have doubts, especially because I don’t have any symptoms besides the fact my period still hasn’t shown up…

So, I thought it could ease my mind to just try another test… and crossed my fingers to not see a negative test or even another light test…

It was a pretty cool thing to see the + sign show up way before the control line did and it wasn’t even morning pee…it is the first time that has happened… that I have seen such a strong line…

No doubts now….

still a bit of worry… but no doubts…

I really hate the worry that I am having since I got my positive test… I think it is normal of course but it is hard and I had never really worried this much before…

Each time I go to the bathroom I am expecting to see blood… though I have never really had much nausea or many pregnancy symptoms in the early weeks (except for wit my loss)  I am finding myself wanting to get symptoms as unpleasant as they would be…

The slightest cramp of pulling has me worried and wondering… even though I know that it is totally normal and it just shows that the Uterus is growing and the ligaments are stretching…

another new thing this time, is that we haven’t shared the news yet… I talk to people on the phone and don’t mention it… not even my mom who was always the first person I called… I have only told a few of my close friends but not many and I am OK knowing that some will read it here…

The worry is not only the only thing of course that is keeping me from wanting to share the news, but it is the way that people may react that is making me not look forward to saying anything…

When Simon announced that I was pregnant with Khéna I listened in on the phone and his mother reacted by saying something like “Oh no… not for real”… I hung up the phone, and though Simon explained that she seemed a bit happier for us after, the initial reaction has always stuck with me….

I know some think we are crazy to want another child, and though some days I might agree with them… especially when they are loud and crazy and my hormones are raging, it is our choice to make and they are not the ones raising them, feeding them and loving them….

another bunch most likely think that the only reason we would have another would be to “try for girl”…

What ever the reason, I can see us waiting to tell people when we see them and not going out of our way to announce the news… and I even feel like I would rather not tell until they notice it…

It just all feels so different this time…

Last weekend I spotted a bit…. it was the kind of spotting that reminded me of the implantation bleeding that I have gotten with each pregnancy (except the loss)…

On wednesday morning I woke up and took my temp like every morning and realized that it had been 4 days since the spotting… (with the boys I had gotten a positive test a few days after implantation) and because I had a test in the drawer in the bathroom I decided to “just see” and a line stared back at me…

Almost a week later and I am still in shock… I told two friends that day (and Simon) but I haven’t said anything to anyone yet IRL besides them…

This is the first time that we haven’t shared the news quickly and honestly I have been avoiding writing here because this blog is so much like a journal to me, but sharing is scary in a way because I am a bit afraid to get too attached, and the more I share with those who know me the more real it gets… I guess it just needs some time to sink in…and I need to just believe that things will work out…

So my EDD has been pushed back about 6 weeks from early Dec to mid Jan…

I wonder when the shock will wear off… hopefully before then…

It has taken me so long to write about this but I guess it is better late than never…

On the 6th it was the “Orgasmic Birth” viewing here in Montreal. It was amazing!

The people, the atmosphere and of course the film…

I left home at about 2:45 with two of the local moms whom I had invited and we went out to eat before heading to the show… after eating and getting an ice cream we did one more errand and then headed to Vanier College where the film was being presented… We got there early and found a place to sit and by the time that film started the place was full… pregnant women, mothers, a few babies, doulas, midwives, midwife students, birth activists, dads and even a few doctors… the energy in the room was amazing.
While we were waiting, a woman sat down next to me… she was an older woman and we started talking and I asked her if she was in the birthing community, she said she wasn’t but that she had done her PhD in Birth many years ago and then talked about her birthing experiences, she had wanted natural births with her first daughter nearly 50 years ago she had been put into twilight sleep.. by her third child she was able to get the birth she wanted… she had taught in Vancouver and then retired back in Montreal and has not been part of the birthing scene in many years but had seen an editorial in the Montreal Gazette and wanted to check it out… The conversation we had was one that I will not soon forget.

The movie started, a few glitches of wrong subtitles and then started again… and about 1/3 of the way through there was a scene of a vacuum extraction and a c-section and the lights went up, a woman in the audience had fainted. I have to admit, seeing it that close up, on that big on screen was pretty pretty hard….

The movie started up again and when it was done it was time for the discussion panel. On the panel was Lysiane Gregoire, the president of the Groupe MAMAN,  Nicole Pino, a mom that had an orgasmic birth, Debra Pascali-Bonaro, the filmmaker, Celine Lemay, a midwife from Quebec (the one that had come here after Khéna was born and whom I had called a few weeks ago when I was bleeding) Betty Anne Davis, the co-autor of the homebirth study and midwife in Ottawa and Jack Newman, Breastfeeding Guru and pediatrician in Toronto.

the questions for the panel started out slowly but picked up soon after and the responses from the panel were amazing… Some were about the lack of midwife care in quebec, some were more technical questions or in need of opinion….

like a mom who was scheduled for a C-section for a breech baby seen on an ultrasound at 20 weeks!!! which in response one of the panelist explained that the recomendations are changing with respect to breech births because of the fact the problems that may occur in breech birth disspear by the age of two but that the rise of c-sections mean that there are more maternal deaths….  the problem now is that doctors need to change thier practices….

or a question about IV fluids in labour and how there is no standard and women are given Litres of fluid and how it effects birth weight and weight loss in babies (losing more than 10% of their weight after birth) because of excess water and then the breastfeeding relationship being threatened with supplements etc…

The questions and the discussion just kept on going until we were literally being told to leave by the campus security…

If you have the chance to get your hands on the movie, do it… it is really a great movie, well made and beautiful… and what is amazing about it is that it is being shown more and more to the birth “professionals” who have never seen a normal birth and for many it is changing their views… I ordered a copy and I can’t wait to share it also…