Simon was playing D&D with the boys and the house was quiet…

I called my dad to say Happy Fathers day and talked for a few minutes with him… and while I was on the phone I saw in the corner of my eye, the box with the Doppler in it… I got off the phone and the doppler called to me and begged me just to try. (I assure you, I am still sane)

I told myself, no… it is too early… I remember the midwife saying that you can’t hear the HB before 12-13 weeks especially when you are overweight…

Never mind… I came back upstairs….

It called to me again… it was more insistent… (OK… maybe I am going crazy) but this time I listened…

With the way that I have been feeling, I thought that I could just try… just see… and told myself I wouldn’t be disappointed if I didn’t hear it…

I thought about where I would be able to find the HB if I could hear it..  so I first tried very low and down but I didn’t hear anything… I didn’t want to try too long so I was about to stop but then just decided to try a little higher… then I heard it…

Just then, Simon came down the stairs and I told him that I heard it… I tried to pick it up again for him, and right after  he got to hear it also…

What an amazing sound…  what amazing emotions that go with it… and relief… and the realization that there is actually a little life in me again…

I feel like I can breathe just a little easier…

This pregnancy is a bit weird for me at the moment…

I am finding myself forgetting that I am pregnant instead of my usual habits of looking at pregnancy things everyday… I told my mom last week when I went up to the cabin and I hesitated before I did… but finally decided to and now I regret it a bit… and besides friends I feel no pull into sharing the news with other family….my mom called yesterday and asked how the baby was and I said that he was good and running around… not thinking at all that she was talking about the one growing in me and not Khéna.

With Xavier it was the excitement of having a first, waiting for my midwife appt., doing exams and writing papers and working the x-mas rush at work… With Colin it was the excitement of having a second, going out a lot around Montreal with Xavier, buying a house etc…With Khéna it was choosing to have a UP/UC and soaking up all the info that I could…. This time, it is just life as usual and in someway I think that I am scared to get too attached in case some thing happens.

I also find that these first weeks make it easier to feel the way that I do because there is no movement yet… no heartbeat to be heard… besides aversions and a few cravings I have no symptoms… so  it is still just a waiting game and though it was still the same waiting game with the others, this time it just feels different…

One of my main pregnancy symptoms has hit… Aversions…

I have a slight hint of nausea lingering at all times and I am having so many aversions… food that I usually like just don’t appeal to me…

If I make a meal that needs to cook for a while, by the time that it is done cooking I can’t stand to eat it and there are very few things that I really “feel” like eating…

So a few times this week I have made a supper and have not been able to eat it…

Last night I had take out and it felt really good to actually eat a full meal and then was able to eat the rest for lunch…

Why does our body do this to us… we are growing a baby but can’t look at food to even nourish ourselves…

I have been curious about taking another test…

I don’t usually take many tests when I see a positive result but the tests that I took almost two weeks ago were taken a few days before my period was due and were very light… the kind of light enough that you see it in good light but barely, and the tests I took with the boys were like that also (I always test early) but with the loss I was just starting to have doubts, especially because I don’t have any symptoms besides the fact my period still hasn’t shown up…

So, I thought it could ease my mind to just try another test… and crossed my fingers to not see a negative test or even another light test…

It was a pretty cool thing to see the + sign show up way before the control line did and it wasn’t even morning pee…it is the first time that has happened… that I have seen such a strong line…

No doubts now….

still a bit of worry… but no doubts…

I really hate the worry that I am having since I got my positive test… I think it is normal of course but it is hard and I had never really worried this much before…

Each time I go to the bathroom I am expecting to see blood… though I have never really had much nausea or many pregnancy symptoms in the early weeks (except for wit my loss)  I am finding myself wanting to get symptoms as unpleasant as they would be…

The slightest cramp of pulling has me worried and wondering… even though I know that it is totally normal and it just shows that the Uterus is growing and the ligaments are stretching…

another new thing this time, is that we haven’t shared the news yet… I talk to people on the phone and don’t mention it… not even my mom who was always the first person I called… I have only told a few of my close friends but not many and I am OK knowing that some will read it here…

The worry is not only the only thing of course that is keeping me from wanting to share the news, but it is the way that people may react that is making me not look forward to saying anything…

When Simon announced that I was pregnant with Khéna I listened in on the phone and his mother reacted by saying something like “Oh no… not for real”… I hung up the phone, and though Simon explained that she seemed a bit happier for us after, the initial reaction has always stuck with me….

I know some think we are crazy to want another child, and though some days I might agree with them… especially when they are loud and crazy and my hormones are raging, it is our choice to make and they are not the ones raising them, feeding them and loving them….

another bunch most likely think that the only reason we would have another would be to “try for girl”…

What ever the reason, I can see us waiting to tell people when we see them and not going out of our way to announce the news… and I even feel like I would rather not tell until they notice it…

It just all feels so different this time…

Last weekend I spotted a bit…. it was the kind of spotting that reminded me of the implantation bleeding that I have gotten with each pregnancy (except the loss)…

On wednesday morning I woke up and took my temp like every morning and realized that it had been 4 days since the spotting… (with the boys I had gotten a positive test a few days after implantation) and because I had a test in the drawer in the bathroom I decided to “just see” and a line stared back at me…

Almost a week later and I am still in shock… I told two friends that day (and Simon) but I haven’t said anything to anyone yet IRL besides them…

This is the first time that we haven’t shared the news quickly and honestly I have been avoiding writing here because this blog is so much like a journal to me, but sharing is scary in a way because I am a bit afraid to get too attached, and the more I share with those who know me the more real it gets… I guess it just needs some time to sink in…and I need to just believe that things will work out…

So my EDD has been pushed back about 6 weeks from early Dec to mid Jan…

I wonder when the shock will wear off… hopefully before then…

I woke up this morning spotting lightly…I checked my cervix and it was medium and closed and I wondered when it would end…

I went grocery shopping and the bleeding got a bit heavier and I felt really heavy and slow… by the time I got home I was not feeling the best…

I sat down with Khéna and he fell asleep and as I shifted my weight a bit and did an involuntary Kegal I felt that something was there…  I asked Simon to take Khéna and headed to the bathroom… a clot had come out… no blood or anything was with it… just a large clot that looked like a piece of liver… my cervix was open and I just knew at that moment.. it was most likely the end…

A little while later, I took a dollar store test that I had picked up today and it was negative…

My spotting is gone and there is nothing when I wipe… I can’t believe how fast that was….

I don’t feel pregnant anymore… I still feel strange that I didn’t bleed much, no where near what my normal period is…  and that I didn’t have any cramps either…

I am OK though… I think I knew the moment that I saw the blood last Monday… and really I think that I knew before…

I had debated with myself whether to share the news of my positive test here on my blog and decided I would because it is in many ways my journal… my way of remembering things which include even the earliest days of pregnancy and whatever comes with it and after it…

I am also glad that I did because I was able to get feedback and support in a time that I needed it and I thank those that followed me through this…

Well another day has passed… I am still spotting, no clots but still red and very much there and enough to not look like will be finished today… I think I have a little while yet…

Simon went to work today, no need for him to stay home because I think that the worst is already over and now it is just the wait… I went and got supper and I noticed that I bleed a bit more when I am out and walking…I didn’t feel like leaving the house but it sure felt good to do so…

At this moment, though I want to still be pregnant, if I am honest with myself I don’t think that I am anymore. However, In the back of my mind there is still a tiny bit of hope and I may pick up a dollar store test next week or something just to help settle my mind…

I am sad, but I don’t think that it has hit me yet… I think it because I am still not 100% sure… I think it would have been easier in a way if the signs were not as mild as they are compared to what I have been told, have read or had imagined… but now I just keep teetering…

This uncertainty is hard… I am a kind of person that is impatient and hates to wait, but I guess it is one of these times that there is nothing to do but wait…

I wasn’t completely ready for another little one to be added to the family, but the possibility and the potential loss has given me an ache and I don’t think I will want to wait too much longer to do so…