Some people I have encountered are truly scared of birth. In their eyes, birth is dangerous. For mother and child and needs not only to be attended but managed.

Though I am not shy about my decisions, I have not talked to many people openly about my plans. However, I do not lie either. If someone asks me where I am going to give birth I will say at home, if they go further and ask if/how I got a midwife I will tell them that we don’t… The same questions always come up after that… who is going to check you? Who is going to cut the cord? and then the what if’s come out… Then I get the comment “you are so brave” or something simular… I respond to the questions simply… no one will check me and I would let a doctor of midwife do it either… The cord will be cut after birth by either Simon or I after a the placenta comes out or longer… the What if’s I don’t go into details and just say that I am ready for many situations and will deal with them at home.

The brave comment is what makes me go crazy….

I am not brave to birth at home. What is brave in my opinion is to entrust my body to someone else. I was willing to do that with my last two pregnancies and births and I am not happy with the way that they turned out. Of course I have two gorgeous and healthy boys but the births were long and I felt rushed and threatened. I cried many tears because I felt that I had no control, not control over my body because I knew that I had to let it do its work, but control over my treatment. I wish that I wouldn’t have had so much courage those times to trust these strangers, I wish I would have had the courage to take charge of my own health completely and would have known more when I was pregnant with the boys. Of course, I was raised in a society of fear and was taught that doctors and midwifes were the experts of birth and a woman’s body in pregnancy and that you must surrender your body over to them and trust them. I am glas however, that though I was taught that, I never could believe it… I once went into a small surgery on my toe and was terrified of the needle to freeze my toe… the doctor tried to calm me down by asking me if I trusted him… I said no… he was so struck back at that and asked why I was there… I told him that I couldn’t do it by myself…

Looking back it is not that I am just afraid of needles… I have always been fearful to put my trust in doctors. I feel sick to my stomach at times when my mom speaks about doctors… she seeks them for pills and treatments. She wants blood tests, and scans and every intervention imaginable. She loves being medicated and whenever her body does something different, even though there is a good and clear explanation for it, she seeks a doctor… and when that doctor doesn’t want to give her enough pills or tests she finds another… now she is on hormones, antidepressants, blood thinners, muscle relaxers and an array of other meds…. and of course she self medicates with drugs, alchool and whatever other pills or homeopathic meds that she can get a hold on… she has always put all of her trust in doctors and medication. She doesn’t trust her body at all.

The day that I found out that I was pregnant and called the birthing center and was told that I couldn’t have a midwife I actually felt relieved. I was quite hesitant to call the other birthing center and when I finally did I wanted to hang up… I told the head midwife that if I didn’t get a midwife I would do things alone and though she may or amy nto have though that it was a “threat” it was just the truth and it was actually wishful thinking on my part. I never did call them when the time came that I may have had a place at the birthing Center, but when they called me a little rush of fear came over me…
I feel the need to be informed about birth and the more that I am informed the scarier the idea of having interventions and someone managing the birth becomes frightening. I do believe that there are women that are lucky enough to find a lay midwife that will not do any interventions at all but becomes a friend and a support person during the birth and is able to let the woman have complete control. However, I do not think that there are many midwifes out there that are able to so such a thing. I do think that I have found one however, a midwife that I have not met, that will not be here at all, that I probably will never meet, but has invited us to contact her if we have questions during the birth and for legal stuff after the birth to ease the process to get the birth registered.

The other day I called my grandmother just to say hi and we ended up talking about my plans a bit, my grandmother who had 5 twightlight births (drugged into unconciousness and awoke to a brand new baby that she was not allowed to hold too much) was actually mouch more supportive then I though she would be and started talking to me about the births of her siblings. My great grandmother was an amazing woman and I was very close to her. I knew she breastfed, I knew she birthed at home in her little country farm house. But it was amazing to hear a few details… my grandmother was surprised by the fact that the boys may see the birth and then remembered that she herself had witnessed the births of her siblings. She was surprised that I will be alone at home, but then remembered and shared that in birth a neighbor woman would often only show up near the end or even after the actual birth. I think that she understood a bit more where I am coming from.

Thinking about it all… maybe I am brave. Brave to go against the norm and trust my body and trust nature instead of trusting someone else. Brave to follow in my greatgrandmothers footsteps instead of following in my grandmothers or my mothers. Brave enough to believe that new doesn’t always mean improved.

Many times I have inspiration in unassisted birth stories…

Here are just two of the many that I have read…

Babs & Xan

Amber & Mycelia Violet

My pregnancies with Xavier and Colin were quite simular.. they were both posterior, both in the same spot the whole pregnancy, you could hear the heart at the same place for both, the placenta was very low lying each time and though they were active it was not much and most of the movement was limited to one place on my tummy and right below my ribs on the far right side. My labours with them played out mostly the same way also…

This baby however, is all over the place… was tranverse for quite a while, has been breech and is now head down most of the time. It turns and punches and kicks and is having tons of fun in there it seems… a few times int he day and then for an hour or two in the evening there is non-stop movement… kicks, stretches and it often feel like it is trying to get out from the top of my uterus and right through the skin…

I really have a big feeling that labour this time will be completely different… maybe I will be lucky this time and have no back labour… It is hard for me to imagine though since I haven’t had “normal” labour before… All of the contractions I have experienced were in my lower back, though I could feel the contractions in front it was the back pain that stuck out and In each case they turned within minutes of coming out… so I really didn’t get to feel what a normal labour would be like…

At the moment this babe is LOA… a great position for a quick birth… I would love for it to stay like this… I would love to labour without back pain, or at least ALL back pain…

Anyways… this babe is always moving, the placenta is high and instead of being stuck in a low OP postition and not being able to move… this babe is having a ball…

Just a few more week left… I am starting to get nervous…

Well… the doula came by yesterday and the boys were great and really let me talk with her… I found that we really hit it off but whole she was here my nose started to get stuffed up, my eyes were tearing and I started feeling off and even took a bit of my inhaler a bit later on…

This morning it hit me…she might be a smoker or live with a smoker and it was maybe an allergic reaction as I feel that I am getting more and more sensitive… I e-mailed her and was right. Both her and her DH are smokers… she asked if she could recommend me to other Doulas that she knows… I have a feeling that that might be best.

It is a bit sad because I really liked her… but it is something that I just can’t deal with… I don’t want to start tearing up, get stuffed up and have trouble breathing in labour…

I may meet with another Doula… and if not well I will just stick to my original plans of ust having Simon, the kids and maybe a friend or two depending on if they can make it or not…

Maybe I can talk to them a bit more and get them ready for what may or may not happen in birth and really talk to them about what I expect from them…

Every few days I have to check and see about how many weeks I am… This pregnancy I seem to be really in touch with myself and how I feel etc… but the technical stuff seems to evade me…

I don’t really have a due date in mind, and I don’t want to… I just tell everyone that the baby will be here between mid November and the beginning of December… But everyone seems to want a date…so I just give them one that is in the middle somewhere…

Not having a date gives me comfort; however, knowing how many weeks I am gives me an idea of how many weeks I have left to get things done…

I still have tons to do… though I keep thinking that I have more time and keep on procrastinating what I have to get done and then when I check again to see how many weeks I am at then my mind starts racing again…

• we have to find two bureaus for the boys clothes (or one big one)… the dresser that ds#1 is using is broken and doesn’t have enough space so I can’t even pass it on to Colin… and the one that Colin is using is for the new babe (it has passed down and used for 3 generations)
• we also have to rearrange their room so that it all fits since the babe will be sharing a room with his/her big brothers. (Well technically the babe will be in our room)
• I have to make Xavier’s Halloween costume,
• get the babies clothes out and pick out the warmer clothes,
• get clothes out for Colin from Xavier’s old clothes.
• Wash the new babe’s diapers and find the covers that are somewhere in the house on various cabbage patches and other dolls…
• Prepare and Freeze more food so that I will be able to have somewhat of a babymoon without having to cook a lot.
• Finish buying birthing supplies and figure out if I want to buy a water birth pool…

There must be other things that I have to get done too…

Anyways… I am getting more and more excited about the birth. Even though I have had rough and long labors, I LOVE giving birth! I am looking forward to laboring in my own home, not having anyone there but Simon and the kids. I feel ready to have my UC and I feel confidant that it will happen.

I am also looking forward to having a babymoon after the baby is born. Staying in bed and getting to know the new babe. Simon will be on Parental leave so I really feel like I will have the time to get to know the new life that will come into our home and the boys will also be taken care of. And then later on I will be able to give attention to the boys also and Simon will be able to get to know the new little one…

A post on MDC got me thinking about the way that birth is thought about by UCer’s vs the Mainstream.

Many people on each side many believe that the other is putting themselves and their child in danger by making the birth choices that they are choosing. Personally I can see where each is coming from but of course I would more easily side with the extreme UCer.

On a post asking that was talking about the need of others to put UCer’s down because of the choices that they are making a poster said that it has to do in part with the lack of trust in others.

I read this and thought about it…

I think that the lack of trust in others is part of it but I do not think that it is the initial problem. The problem in not in the lack of trust in other people but the lack of trust in one’s self…

I see the problem being that women just don’t have the experiences of seeing how things are naturally done… in birth, breastfeeding and all of the other things that used to be taught by seeing (seeing sisters, mothers, cousins, friends, aunts etc) and trusting instinct…

Now most women seem to turn to books and “experts”… they have lost touch with the way things were and have lost touch with the confidence that comes with seeing these things throughout a lifetime, and instead have gained confidence in trusting others (books, doctors etc)

Some Women seem to have lost touch so much that they no longer trust their instincts at all and learn to put them aside and ignore them. They have lost touch completely with their selves in favour of listening to others… As a consequence they become helpless in a way… not uneducated really because they believe that the “expert” knows it all and will tell them what they need to know and they do internet searches or book searches and find the same information from other “experts”. (Though there are still some very uneducated women I believe that make very uninformed choices in pregnancy and birth) The next logical step in the slippery slope after losing that confidence in self, it is then to look for permission from the experts on most things (or for experts to “give” permission with use of certain language without giving the impression that they are taking that confidence away)

When things become normalized in a society then trust shifts… Until very recently trust within the realm of birth, breastfeeding, the raising of children was in the hands of women. Women of the community, women of the family and in the woman herself. When the shift started, and the trust was handed off to men and “experts” then not only did the trust shift but whole views shifted also. Knowledge that as once passed down from generation to generation was lost, knowledge that was once an integral part of womanhood was lost. The only way to normalize these things again is for women to regain trust in themselves and regain trust in other women that trust themselves.

At this moment I can not see it happening soon. Many women seem to not understand not trusting the “experts” on everything. Some women seem threatened by it. They have been taught, have learned from the people around them, and have learned from the women around them that the experts are to be trusted… it becomes what is normal, what it comfortable, what is to be done…

I do believe that there are some aspects of birth and health that are best handled by some experts. Though I don’t agree that we have the best experts in our society…

Our “experts” are products of the same society that puts all their trust in them. Such as many women seem to have lost touch with confidence in them selves and put all of their trust in doctors, those same doctors believe that they have all of the answers, should not be second guessed and expect the women to have little or no say in their care. This shows when women seem to be scared to talk to their “expert” doctors about doubts they have and why some doctors will be so insulted when woman goes against or second guesses their point of view (as seen by women who are “fired” by their OB’s for refusing tests, or families that are “fired” by the pediatricians for refusing vaxes)

In some places in the world premature babies are not kept in incubators, sterile environments with wires and monitors and tubes etc and deprived of human contact except for when an “expert” gives permission… Instead, they are released with their parents who are taught how to feed them and keep them warm by utilizing Kangaroo care 24 hours a day for weeks and months on end. Instead of being placed on oxygen to help them breathe they are places on their parent’s chest, instead of having monitors and machines to control heart rate, they are placed in their parents arms.

We have to start trusting nature, trusting our bodies and trusting ourselves again… when we do, I believe that birth will start seeing the shift it needs.

x-posted in my pregnancy journal

Last week I had a response to a message that I had left on the UC board at MDC… It was from mom of soon to be 8 kids that has had a few UC’s already under her belt and who lives just north of Montreal (about 2 hours drive from me). We sent a few PM’s and then we exchanged #’s and she gave me call on thursday night… Though her kids are older we have a lot in common… she is a Homeschooler, UCer, ECer, breastfeeder (she even triandem nursed!) and we just hit it off… IMO anyways…We talked for at least a hour and if it wasn’t so late I think we would have talked more..

Anyways… I was still a bit worried about what to do about registering the birth as even on the group that I had gotten info from many moms had trouble getting things done without the proof of pregnancy etc even though legally they didn’t need it… it wasn’t that they didn’t succeed in the end, it was that it was a lot of energy and arguing…

So, L. told me that before she had had her first UC she had an “illegal” homebirth with a Lay midwife and that she had kept in contact with her and that she is the one that had provided her with the papers and that though she was no longer able to do such she had knew of someone else that could probably help. So the next day I called the midwife that she had told me about. She is one of the most prominant midwifes in Quebec and is on the south shore about 40 min away from me. She answered the phone in an amazingly warm voice and I didn’t even have to finish explaining when she said that she would be glad to help me get the papers after the birth and that she would provide a letter with the proof of the birth and that it would be her pleasure to do so, and then she added that I could call her at anytime with questions or concerns and that she would even leave me her pager number so that I or Simon could give her a call if we have concerns during or after the birth.

It has taken such a load of my back knowing that not only will she helps us out but that she supports our decision to birth unassisted. She had not one negative word to say and was completely encouraging…

Well the e-mail list that I joined proved to be a very good idea… I got two responses with places to buy tinctures. One on the island of Montreal but they don’t seem to have many ready made tictures but more bulk herbs and supplies and one off island in my direction but about 1 1/2-2 hours away from me.

The second one looks amazing though and I will be able to order online or go for a drive and really look…. the place looks so nice and from the site you can even see pics of their gardens… they have tons of tinctures and even home mixes all ready made.
L’Armoire aux Herbes

I am SO excited!!!

I just got hold of a montreal group that is fighting for womens right to a midwife and to a free homebirth!!! I had done tons of searches in the past and ever found them before and now that I did I am so happy… they even have an e-mail list and everything!!

Well, I called and the woman at the end of the line was so nice… I wanted to call and ask if the letter could be done by a Chiro and she was confused as to what letter I was talking about… when I told her she said that that is what the Civil office often tells people but that there is NO law about it… she then said that all I have to do is after the birth to give them a call, talk to the supervisor right away and tell them that I just gave birth at home and that I would like a “declaration solonelle”… they will just ask about the date, time and sex of the baby and then send it to me, I then fill it out and send it back and that is it…
She then said that if I have problems because it is rare and the officers are often mis/non informed on the subject that they have a few people that they know well at the Civil office that will help out no prob!!!

So I don’t need to see an sOB!!!! I can just concentrate on the babe growing inside me and there has been a big weight lifted off my shoulders!!!

YAY!!!!