Comments on: The Label of Attachment Parenting http://paxye.com/blog/the-label-of-attachment-parenting/ My journey through motherhood being a black sheep in the parenting world... Mon, 08 Sep 2008 16:25:47 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.6.1 By: msaraann http://paxye.com/blog/the-label-of-attachment-parenting/#comment-187 msaraann Sun, 22 Jan 2006 19:04:55 +0000 http://paxye.com/blog/?p=159#comment-187 The problem I've had with using the AP label is that my parenting practices encompass AP, but go beyond the basic 7 practices. I worry about using the label, because I know that many people, online at least, find my style extreme, and I don't want to give AP a bad representation for those who might apply it in a milder way. The balance thing, I've always kind of shrugged off, because like you said, babies are dependent for the first several years. I don't think it's fair to expect them to meet our need for balance. I give myself fully to my babies knowing that in future years, their dependency will lesson so that I might meet more of my own needs. Meeting their needs to the true best of my ability is one of my needs right now. The problem I’ve had with using the AP label is that my parenting practices encompass AP, but go beyond the basic 7 practices. I worry about using the label, because I know that many people, online at least, find my style extreme, and I don’t want to give AP a bad representation for those who might apply it in a milder way. The balance thing, I’ve always kind of shrugged off, because like you said, babies are dependent for the first several years. I don’t think it’s fair to expect them to meet our need for balance. I give myself fully to my babies knowing that in future years, their dependency will lesson so that I might meet more of my own needs. Meeting their needs to the true best of my ability is one of my needs right now.

]]> By: paxye http://paxye.com/blog/the-label-of-attachment-parenting/#comment-186 paxye Fri, 20 Jan 2006 02:19:17 +0000 http://paxye.com/blog/?p=159#comment-186 Mama C-ta.. Just want to respond to a few things in your post.... Babywearing... Even though I believe that kids are born to be worn, there are times that strollers are very handy and are completely OK to use as long as the child is happy using it also.... The problem that I have is this trend of using these "travel systems" ALL of the time with the goal of never "disturbing" (therefore never handling) the child... It pains me to hear a child crying in a stroller and the parent simply ignores those cries and doesn't even pick the child up.. There is a study that I saw a few months ago that appawled me... (I really need to find it again) that shows that in the US babies are held on average about 2-3 hours a day (including feeding)... the rest of the time the are in baby seats, strollers, pack-plays, cribs, bouncy chair. excercausers, swings etc... This is what is unacceptable... babies need touch.... It is not the occasional use of these contraptions that is not AP, it is the reliance on them to replace the parent and the comfort that a parent brings.... Sleep... this is a sore issue for me.... What I can say about Sleep-training is that personally I don't agree with it... However, I know that there are some sleep training methods out there that are considered AP (such as NCSS).... I found out recently that I have been doing the "Pantly Pull Off Method" since ds#1 was born... it is something that came naturally because my ds would always start pulling off when he was falling asleep and it was painful... If he cried I gave him back the breast right away however... That being said... honestly, I have never read the book... Do I agree with Sleep-training.... no not really but even then it can depend... I think it depends on the reaction of the child... If a child is crying because they want to be nursed, and they would stop crying if you nurse them, and you are denying that request in order to teach them to fall asleep by themselves, then it would not be AP in my mind... However, if a child wakes up at night (who usually nurses) and can be soothed back to sleep by just patting their back and shushing, and the child accepts this... then it is a form of sleep training that fits into AP very well.... KWIM... Parenting can be very hard at times and there are times that we really do need a bit more sleep... Maybe your DH can give you the "day off" to get some sleep and just bring Julian in to nurse etc.... sometimes even sleeping in once in a while can do wonders.... Also... just keep in miond that it ill end one day and you will eventually get more sleep... and I bet in a few years, you will be complaining that he won't wake up in the morning ;) As for Friends.. well that was a hard one for me... I did grow apart from many of my friends that have become parents... there are just some things that seperate us too much... it was hard and sad but there are just somethings that I can't deal with anymore and it just was bringing more stressthen I wanted in a friendship.... It also made it a bit easier that we moved... and with the move I have become a lot more selective... I rathr have fewer friends and have great conversations then more friends and feeling like I can't speak my mind.... Mama C-ta..
Just want to respond to a few things in your post….
Babywearing… Even though I believe that kids are born to be worn, there are times that strollers are very handy and are completely OK to use as long as the child is happy using it also…. The problem that I have is this trend of using these “travel systems” ALL of the time with the goal of never “disturbing” (therefore never handling) the child…
It pains me to hear a child crying in a stroller and the parent simply ignores those cries and doesn’t even pick the child up..
There is a study that I saw a few months ago that appawled me… (I really need to find it again) that shows that in the US babies are held on average about 2-3 hours a day (including feeding)… the rest of the time the are in baby seats, strollers, pack-plays, cribs, bouncy chair. excercausers, swings etc… This is what is unacceptable… babies need touch….
It is not the occasional use of these contraptions that is not AP, it is the reliance on them to replace the parent and the comfort that a parent brings….

Sleep… this is a sore issue for me…. What I can say about Sleep-training is that personally I don’t agree with it… However, I know that there are some sleep training methods out there that are considered AP (such as NCSS)…. I found out recently that I have been doing the “Pantly Pull Off Method” since ds#1 was born… it is something that came naturally because my ds would always start pulling off when he was falling asleep and it was painful… If he cried I gave him back the breast right away however…
That being said… honestly, I have never read the book…
Do I agree with Sleep-training…. no not really but even then it can depend…
I think it depends on the reaction of the child…
If a child is crying because they want to be nursed, and they would stop crying if you nurse them, and you are denying that request in order to teach them to fall asleep by themselves, then it would not be AP in my mind…
However, if a child wakes up at night (who usually nurses) and can be soothed back to sleep by just patting their back and shushing, and the child accepts this… then it is a form of sleep training that fits into AP very well…. KWIM…
Parenting can be very hard at times and there are times that we really do need a bit more sleep… Maybe your DH can give you the “day off” to get some sleep and just bring Julian in to nurse etc…. sometimes even sleeping in once in a while can do wonders…. Also… just keep in miond that it ill end one day and you will eventually get more sleep… and I bet in a few years, you will be complaining that he won’t wake up in the morning ;)
As for Friends.. well that was a hard one for me… I did grow apart from many of my friends that have become parents… there are just some things that seperate us too much… it was hard and sad but there are just somethings that I can’t deal with anymore and it just was bringing more stressthen I wanted in a friendship…. It also made it a bit easier that we moved… and with the move I have become a lot more selective… I rathr have fewer friends and have great conversations then more friends and feeling like I can’t speak my mind….

]]> By: Mama C-ta http://paxye.com/blog/the-label-of-attachment-parenting/#comment-185 Mama C-ta Fri, 20 Jan 2006 00:55:48 +0000 http://paxye.com/blog/?p=159#comment-185 I hope I'm not one to say I'm AP but not qualify ;) Before my son was born I was fascinated w/AP. Everything just sounded so right and natural. But I was very clear to not label myself as "AP." I prefer to stay away from labels b/c it could turn into a set of rules which can contradict some of the aspects of AP. I didn't want to run to my list and say "OK if I am going to be AP what should I do here?" I definitely used it as guidlines and found I tended to naturally parent that way anyway. With that said I've either since been labeled AP or have had to label myself as AP in certain situations as you have mentioned above (Ie on my blog). It's does make communicating and finding similar mom's much easier! Generally I try to stick w/the specific pieces IRL (co-sleeping, baby wearing, etc). But sometimes I can't help but wonder if something I'm doing would get me banned from the AP community. Generally I prefer to wear my baby but there are times when my back/body is hurting and I prefer to take the stroller. I also know that Julian doesn't want to be worn for extended periods these days like if I went to a mall. He seems to feel restricted. Plus I've been having a hard time getting him positioned properly. Or maybe my body is just tired. I also have been a pretty big mental reck from sleep deprivation so I was trying the "no-cry sleep solution" but wouldn't that be concidered sleep training since I'm encouraging him do sleep longer and better on his own? I do co-sleep (and nurse him to sleep) but still, it's unhealthy for ME to not be getting enough sleep even though I know he will sleep longer when he's developmentally ready to do so. Of course any of the "non-ap" things I do I would never do if J seemed to be bothered by them. No matter how sleep deprived I am I would never let his cries go unattended to. I hated driving in a car w/him when he would cry the entire time b/c I felt like it was a form of CIO. It made me sick even though stopping the car and comforting him wouldn't help once we started driving again. I've been struggling w/a few friendships lately b/c we all are fairly new moms. I didn't realize how different I am than some of my friends. One thinks it's perfectly fine to supplement w/formula b/c she's "tired" and getting ready to wean her daughter at 4 months! The same one thinks co-sleeping is wrong, sleep training is OK, etc. It infuriates me but she's my friend so I just keep my mouth shut and worry about ourselves. But what am I supposed to do, end a friendship just b/c we parent completely different although it has eliminated any disire I have to hang out w/her. Which leaves me a little isolated. I had no idea she would parent the way she is. Sorry not asking for advice just something I'm having a hard time dealing w/when others think AP = codependent children. I hope I’m not one to say I’m AP but not qualify ;)
Before my son was born I was fascinated w/AP. Everything just sounded so right and natural. But I was very clear to not label myself as “AP.” I prefer to stay away from labels b/c it could turn into a set of rules which can contradict some of the aspects of AP. I didn’t want to run to my list and say “OK if I am going to be AP what should I do here?” I definitely used it as guidlines and found I tended to naturally parent that way anyway. With that said I’ve either since been labeled AP or have had to label myself as AP in certain situations as you have mentioned above (Ie on my blog). It’s does make communicating and finding similar mom’s much easier! Generally I try to stick w/the specific pieces IRL (co-sleeping, baby wearing, etc).

But sometimes I can’t help but wonder if something I’m doing would get me banned from the AP community. Generally I prefer to wear my baby but there are times when my back/body is hurting and I prefer to take the stroller. I also know that Julian doesn’t want to be worn for extended periods these days like if I went to a mall. He seems to feel restricted. Plus I’ve been having a hard time getting him positioned properly. Or maybe my body is just tired. I also have been a pretty big mental reck from sleep deprivation so I was trying the “no-cry sleep solution” but wouldn’t that be concidered sleep training since I’m encouraging him do sleep longer and better on his own? I do co-sleep (and nurse him to sleep) but still, it’s unhealthy for ME to not be getting enough sleep even though I know he will sleep longer when he’s developmentally ready to do so.

Of course any of the “non-ap” things I do I would never do if J seemed to be bothered by them. No matter how sleep deprived I am I would never let his cries go unattended to. I hated driving in a car w/him when he would cry the entire time b/c I felt like it was a form of CIO. It made me sick even though stopping the car and comforting him wouldn’t help once we started driving again.

I’ve been struggling w/a few friendships lately b/c we all are fairly new moms. I didn’t realize how different I am than some of my friends. One thinks it’s perfectly fine to supplement w/formula b/c she’s “tired” and getting ready to wean her daughter at 4 months! The same one thinks co-sleeping is wrong, sleep training is OK, etc. It infuriates me but she’s my friend so I just keep my mouth shut and worry about ourselves. But what am I supposed to do, end a friendship just b/c we parent completely different although it has eliminated any disire I have to hang out w/her. Which leaves me a little isolated. I had no idea she would parent the way she is. Sorry not asking for advice just something I’m having a hard time dealing w/when others think AP = codependent children.

]]> By: paxye http://paxye.com/blog/the-label-of-attachment-parenting/#comment-184 paxye Thu, 19 Jan 2006 17:44:49 +0000 http://paxye.com/blog/?p=159#comment-184 Squigly... No prob! CIO means (Cry-it-Out) It is a form of sleep training that means leaving your child in their crib Cry themself to sleep... It's goal is to make them be able to self-soothe and sleep through the night before they are ready to do so... They don't really learn to "self-soothe" with CIO... they really learn that even if they cry no one cares enough to come and eventually just give up trying to communicate what they need.... There are various forms of CIO (extinction, Ferber, attended etc)... all are Harmful... Here is a list for Future reference... ;) http://www.pregnancy.org/article.php?sid=215 Squigly…
No prob!
CIO means (Cry-it-Out) It is a form of sleep training that means leaving your child in their crib Cry themself to sleep… It’s goal is to make them be able to self-soothe and sleep through the night before they are ready to do so… They don’t really learn to “self-soothe” with CIO… they really learn that even if they cry no one cares enough to come and eventually just give up trying to communicate what they need….
There are various forms of CIO (extinction, Ferber, attended etc)… all are Harmful…

Here is a list for Future reference… ;)
http://www.pregnancy.org/article.php?sid=215

]]> By: Squigly http://paxye.com/blog/the-label-of-attachment-parenting/#comment-183 Squigly Thu, 19 Jan 2006 17:28:12 +0000 http://paxye.com/blog/?p=159#comment-183 Hey paxye! I'm not a parent but am considering all these issues for the future and so I'm trying to read your blog but I don't know what CIO means! Please help! There are sooo many acronyms!!! thanks Hey paxye! I’m not a parent but am considering all these issues for the future and so I’m trying to read your blog but I don’t know what CIO means! Please help! There are sooo many acronyms!!! thanks

]]> By: paxye http://paxye.com/blog/the-label-of-attachment-parenting/#comment-182 paxye Thu, 19 Jan 2006 15:13:23 +0000 http://paxye.com/blog/?p=159#comment-182 Of course IRL I don't go around saying that I am an Attachment Parent... I will talk about the individual subjects as they come up... However, online, I think it is very important to be able to find likeminded people to get advice from (knowing that their responses will be in ine with the philosophy) which is where the label makes it almost necessary. The board that I Co-Host is no longer a place that I can go for such advice because the label is just thrown around in a way that I just can't agree with.... and the posters that have been there for years have been pushed out because there are aspects (such as CIO and Spanking) that they just can't deal with and when they speak up they are jumped on.... I am just in the process of waiting from a reply from the community at the moment and then I will resigning.... I guess this post here is a bit of what I will be writing to explain my resignation.. Of course IRL I don’t go around saying that I am an Attachment Parent… I will talk about the individual subjects as they come up…
However, online, I think it is very important to be able to find likeminded people to get advice from (knowing that their responses will be in ine with the philosophy) which is where the label makes it almost necessary.
The board that I Co-Host is no longer a place that I can go for such advice because the label is just thrown around in a way that I just can’t agree with…. and the posters that have been there for years have been pushed out because there are aspects (such as CIO and Spanking) that they just can’t deal with and when they speak up they are jumped on….
I am just in the process of waiting from a reply from the community at the moment and then I will resigning…. I guess this post here is a bit of what I will be writing to explain my resignation..

]]> By: toddtyrtle http://paxye.com/blog/the-label-of-attachment-parenting/#comment-181 toddtyrtle Thu, 19 Jan 2006 12:55:54 +0000 http://paxye.com/blog/?p=159#comment-181 As a general rule, I think that labels can be a bad thing in and of themselves because of the differing interperetations of what those labels mean. There have been wars over peoples definition of Christian, for example. And there have been flame wars (as you are well aware) over the definition of such things as AP or Unschooling. As a rule, I tend not to describe myself as either of those things though by your definition above I would be an attachment parent. Instead I discuss the actual things I do (as you've done above). Then there's no argument. That said, I do find a use for the labels online - finding sites like this is a lot easier if you search on "Attachment Parenting" for example than searching in google for "+nursing +cosleeping +"dr. sears" -"cry it out" +sling -stroller" and so forth. As a general rule, I think that labels can be a bad thing in and of themselves because of the differing interperetations of what those labels mean. There have been wars over peoples definition of Christian, for example. And there have been flame wars (as you are well aware) over the definition of such things as AP or Unschooling. As a rule, I tend not to describe myself as either of those things though by your definition above I would be an attachment parent. Instead I discuss the actual things I do (as you’ve done above). Then there’s no argument.

That said, I do find a use for the labels online - finding sites like this is a lot easier if you search on “Attachment Parenting” for example than searching in google for “+nursing +cosleeping +”dr. sears” -”cry it out” +sling -stroller” and so forth.

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